androld: робат (робат)
- Ты заставляешь пользователей читать по-английски?
- Да.
- И как?
- Смешно.

androld: робат (робат)
Сегодня утром компания Samsung заплатила по решению суда 1 миллиард долларов в пользу компании Apple. Вроде бы обычное дело. Но как заплатила!
К штаб-квартире Apple в Калифорнии подъехали 30 грузовиков, гружённых пятицентовыми (!) монетами. Тоже ведь деньги!
Ли Кун-Хи (Lee Kun-hee) из Samsung Electronics так откомментировал это событие:
You can use your coins to buy refreshments at the little machine for life or melt the coins to make computers, that’s not my problem, I already paid them and fulfilled the law.

Источник -

androld: хитрец (хитрец)
Местный инженер по ОТ жжот напалмом!


1.Вывесить инструкции о мерах пожарной безопасности

в “уголках по охране труда” напоминаю, инструкции №

2.Вывесить на видном месте ответственное лицо за пожарную безопасность,

на входной двери цеха или у входа с внутренней стороны и внутренний

телефон.Напоминаю, согласно приказа №1377 от13 03.12г

androld: хитрец (хитрец)
Суровый челябинский светофор теперь и у нас на посёлке!

androld: гласски (гласски)
Вороне бог на вход подал 503 вольта и заземлил ее при том,
И получился угольный резистор на пару сотен килоОМ...

Gun Control

Jul. 1st, 2011 02:46 pm
androld: гласски (гласски)
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: “Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!”

androld: гласски (гласски)
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor....”

androld: гласски (гласски)
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: “How much does it costs?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

androld: гласски (гласски)
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”. She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says “The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!”

androld: гласски (гласски)
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

androld: гласски (гласски)
На своїй випускній стрічці Андрій написав домашню адресу, мамин мобільний і групу крові - і не прогадав...

androld: гласски (гласски)
There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
“Before you start” the preacher said,“you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen.”
So the man on the horse says “ Praise the lord,” and the horse starts to trot. The man again says “Praise the lord,” and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells “Amen!!!” The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says “Praise the Lord.”

androld: гласски (гласски)
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who I haven’t seen in a long time.”
“That’s a shame,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said, “as I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother!’ It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

androld: гласски (гласски)
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!”

The Kiss

May. 6th, 2011 05:03 pm
androld: гласски (гласски)
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that...
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

androld: гласски (гласски)
Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
‘What’s with that big brass gong?’ one of the guests asked.
‘It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,’ the Newfie replied.
‘A talking clock? Seriously?’ asked his astonished friend.
‘Yup’ replied the Newfie.
‘How’s it work?’ the friend asked, squinting at it.
‘Watch’ the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, ‘You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!’

androld: гласски (гласски)
Женщина пришла к Конфуцию и спросила, чем многоженство отличается от многомужества.
Конфуций поставил перед ней пять чайников и пять чашек, и говорит:
- Лей чай в пять чашек из одного чайника. Нравится?
- Нравится, – согласилась женщина.
- А теперь, наоборот, лей в одну чашку из пяти чайников. Нравится?
- Ещё больше нравится, – призналась женщина.
- Дура! – заорал Конфуций. – Такую притчу испортила!


Apr. 25th, 2011 02:09 pm
androld: гласски (гласски)
The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out."
"Yes, general!" the colonel quavered.
"Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

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